Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday

Well, it’s a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday
Whatever you do, watch what you say
If you’re easily offended well that’s okay
It’s a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday

We catch up with our three cowboys one cold December night huddled around the camp fire.
How ‘bout we sing some holiday songs?
Yeah, hey George, you wanna lead us off?
Yeah, I got one.
Oh Chri- BLEEP -mas tree oh Chri-BLEEP-mas tree how lovely are thou branched…
Why am I getting bleeped again?
Haven’t you heard guys?
You can’t say Chri-BLEEP-mas you gotta say Holiday
I can’t say Chri-BLEEP-mas?
No you might offend somebody.
Who is offended by Chri-BLEEP-mas?
You know you might offend the BLEEP and the BLEEP and the atheists.
What?

Time to politically correct.
I’ll lead this off.
On the first day of Chri-BLEEP-mas my true love said to me…

Jimmy, are you listening?
What?
You can’t say Chri-BLEEP-mas.
Why not? You can say BLEEP on the last record.
Why can’t I say Chri-BLEEP-mas?
I didn’t make the rules.
Hey listen guys, it’s not that difficult, all you gotta do is change Chri-BLEEP-mas to Holiday.
You know, instead of saying white Chri-BLEEP-mas, you say I’m dreaming of a whi-BLEEP Holiday.
Why did I get blipped?
You’ve got to say Caucasian.
So I have to sing, I’m dreaming of a Caucasian holiday?
Sure, that won’t offend anybody.

Well, it’s a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday,
Whatever you do watch what you say
If you’re easily offended well that’s okay
Why do these people have to feel that way?
How come they get offended so easily?
It’s a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday
I’m just trying to come up with a song here.

Let’s sing one together, everybody ready?
George?
Ready.
Bill your ready?
I’m ready.
Jimmy? Jimmy? Jimmy?

Okay!
We three kings of BLEEEEP are bearing gifts we’ve traveled real far….
Sorry boys, you have to say Asia now.
What?
Oh, come on just try.
We three kings of Asia are….
That sounds like horse BLEEP
Oh lord, okay.
How ‘bout Little Drummer boy?
Nope, that offends short people.
And you can’t say drummer ‘cause that will offend real musicians.

How ‘bout little –hahaha- town of meddle hell.
What’s this with all the short jokes?
Hey how ‘bout we do Silent Night?
No, it’ll offend people who’s hard to hear and afraid of the dark.
What did he say about a shark?
SHARK? This happens every year.

Well, it’s a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday,
Whatever you do watch what you say,
If you’re easily offended well that’s okay,
It’s a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday.
Hohoho!
No.
I can’t say ho?
No you might offend some women.
So basically we can’t sing anything?
I think that a bunch of bull BLEEP.
Softer George it’s more effective.
(in a quieter voice)I think that a bunch of bull BLEEP.
You now what? I don’t care who we offend,
I’m gonna sing Chri-BLEEP-mas carols if I wanna sing Chri-BLEEP-mas carols.
Louder man it’s more effective.
I don’t care who we offend, I’m gonna sing Chri-BLEEP-mas carols if I wanna sing Chri-BLEEP-mas carols.
Me too.
We wish you a merry Chri-BLEEP-mas, we wish you a merry Chri-BLEEP-mas, we wish you a merry Chri-BLEEP-mas, and a happy ne-BLEEP year.
We can’t say new; it’ll offend the old folks.
And you never wanna offend them.

It’s funny…on the surface. But dig a little deeper and you will find that the world (no, really, it’s the whole world not just our little corner of it, as can be seen here) has gone completely bananas over the winter holiday. What brought this up, you ask? Mi madre (somebody better hit the SAP button and fast!) was listening to the radio this morning and the DJ’s were discussing the local Mall Santa and his overalls and “ha, ha, ha”….I’m sorry, but what on Gaia’s green Earth is offensive about a red velvet suit with fur…nevermind I just answered my own question.

I guess our local Santa has gone overboard in forgoing his red suit for a pair of overalls but Santas all across the globe are being advised that “ho, ho, ho” might, and I quote, frighten children and offend women. Santa offends women but they keep letting Fiddy make records?

Here’s the thing, boys and girls, the point of Christmas, or “the Holidays,” if you prefer, is to be with loved ones, give gifts (”gifts” here does not necessarily mean toys and games and baubles and things, it also means care and comfort and time and warmth), and celebrate life. Whether you believe it to be the birth of a savior or the rebirth of the Earth, it is still a celebration of life and of love. The point is NOT to bitch and complain that the corporate office of Home Depot has banned any “religious” music from their stores at holiday time or that WalMart DOES play religious music. The point is NOT to be offended by something Santa Clauses said before there were garden hoes much less pimps and hos.

I just want to go back to when things were merry. Dinner with my whole family, carols around the piano (so what if I forced everyone to play this game with me?! It still happened), spots before my eyes (Grandma had an old 60’s model camera with real flashbulbs so I was 10 before I figured out spots were not a normal part of everyone’s Christmas), homemade cookies and candies and cocoa, snow (somewhere in all of this PC-ness, we got rid of the snow too). I hate snow but it really adds a little something extra to Christmas Eve. I miss velvet dresses and patent leather shoes and brightly colored boxes with bows and the half-hour long Chuck Jones animated Grinch and Cindy Lou Who. And I miss seeing the fat Santa (Yes, I said FAT Santa, DEAL WITH IT) at the Mall.

And she muttered as she wandered off sadly, “Happy Non-religious Day off from work to all, and to all a good night.”
Crimson

http://beshameless.net/archives/2007/11/20/you-say-ho-i-say-ha-lets-call-the-whole-thing-off/trackback/

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“Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others even as we respect ourselves.” — U Thant

Wow, have you all noticed the regular updates? I’m thrilled that we seem to be falling into a system where writing is getting done. Most of that is thanks to Crimson. I think that I have finally convinced her to become a regular author instead of an occasional contributor. Ok, ok so I begged, bribed and eventually threatened. But, hell whatever works. So welcome her to the team, and show her what wonderful readers you really are.

Speaking of work, Ethan is tweaking a few things on the site. While you may not notice this visually, it’s really great stuff. He may have a great surprise where you can search for posts by author name. I’m not making any promises, but hopefully that will work out.

Now moving on to what I want to bitch about today. I’ve actually been thinking of posting this story for awhile now, but I had to put it to the side a few days. That way I could actually write something other than “Oh those stupid fucking bastards, what devil did they sign a deal with to prevent being assassinated.” Along with my personal favorite curse words. I think that I’m to that point now, but we’ll find out together.

So by now, you all know who I’m talking about when I say Fred Phelps. Yes the antichri… er um… the evangelical preacher of Westboro Baptist Church. The once civil rights lawyer. Now, I’ll give you time to pick yourself up off the floor…. steady? Ok good. Yes I did say that this evil bastard use to be a civil rights lawyer. He worked on behalf of African Americans for various suits. Also notably, he sued then President Ronald Reagan for appointing an US Ambassador to the Vatican. Phelps claimed that this failed to be separation of church and state. He was eventually disbarred in 1979 for committing perjury.

So what the fuck happened? Did the disbarment affect his mind so badly that he became a living scum? I don’t really know how the switch happened. I’ve run across dozens of theories. So instead of listing them here, I’ll leave it to your imagination. We do know that he is anti-gay, anti-semitic, anti-sweden, anti-canada and against flag idolatry. Fred Phelps refers to the United States as “A sodomite nation of flag-worshiping idolaters.”

But on the other hand, he supports Fidel Castro for his response to homosexuals. He also was a temporary fan of Saddam Hussein. He wrote letters to Hussein complimenting him and asking to come to Iraq and make a speech. When his request was granted Phelps and the other members of the insane lunatic gathering then traveled and proceeded to protest the US. The love affair was short lived however because after Saddam was hanged Phelps released a video which stated that both Saddam and Gerald Ford were now in hell.

Phelps has targeted many people and groups with his infamous protesting. and his favorite seems to be funerals. Some of the targets include Jim Wheeler, Matthew Shepard, Diane Whipple, September 11, 2001 victims and those involved in rescue attempts, Gwen Araujo, the Columbia disaster, Fred Rogers (who the fuck can be against Mister Rogers, for crissakes), Americans killed in war (over 80 funerals so far), Canada (Phelps has a website strictly for this and many of the others but I refuse to post them), Ronald Reagan, Reggie White, Pope John Paul II, Averett University graduation ceremony, 2005 London terrorist attacks (their victims and rescuers), Hurricane Katrina victims, Sweden, William Rehnquist, The Sago Miners, Coretta Scott King, Sam Brownback, Michael Guest, Pat Roberts, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Ed Rendell, The Amish School Shooting, Billy Graham, 2006 North Carolina tornado victims, Huntsville bus accident, Saddam Hussein, Gerald Ford, Nyia Page, The 2007 tornado outbreak victims, Louis Theroux, Kevin Smith, Jews, The VT massacre victims, Jerry Falwell, The Cheney’s (when Mary had her Son), Craig Thomas, Ruth Graham, Keith Allen, Tammy Faye Messner, Ireland, Minneapolis Bridge Collapse, Utah mine disaster, Italy, Larry Craig, Gregory Bowman, 2007 California fires, and the Jokela High School Shooting.

Jesus fucking Christ and Mother Mary on a pogo stick. You would think that God would strike him dead to protect his image. It’s just that… Argh. Fuck, shit, damn, hell, whore, bastard, blasphemer. See what this ignorant piece of trash does to me? I can’t even think of rebuttals to the things he does. I’m sitting here waiting for him to take of the mask and be a time traveling Ashton Kutcher. “You’ve been future punk’d, bitches.”

Since we all know that isn’t going to happen I will leave you with a happier note. As of October 31, 2007 the evil fucker is 11 million dollars shorter than he was. A federal jury awarded the 11 million to the father of a Marine, who was killed in battle. Phelps had protested the funeral. Albert Snyder won the suit, and he is believed to be the first family of the fallen soldiers to do so. The jury awarded him $2.9 million in compensatory damages, $6 million in punitive damages for invasion of privacy and $2 million for emotional distress. Of course, Phelps intends to appeal the decision and said “Oh, it will take about five minutes to get that thing reversed.” Well I sure as fuck hope he doesn’t. I also hope that this helps ease some of the pain that those affected by his intolerable bullshit. I also hope that others file suit and are given justice as well. I wonder could we all band together and sue him? I mean just having to read thing he has said has made my IQ drop 50 points… thus I have emotional damage.

Until next time I’m going to start plans to protest his funeral,

autumn

http://beshameless.net/archives/2007/11/11/this-has-to-be-the-only-time-ive-wished-for-ashton-kutcher/trackback/

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And to be totally honest, I don’t even get peanuts. I am on the fence about the Writers’ Guild of America strike that is, as I type these words, entering Day 5.

On the one hand, “This is not about millionaire screenwriters,” [Tim] Robbins said. “This is about middle-class writers trying to support a family and make mortgage payments” (from KNBC.com, Day 4: WGA Picket Lines Draw More Celebrities).

Okay, THAT I get. Probably 80-90% of those of us holding a BA in English and/or some form of writing from any state college or university across this great nation of ours is working at an hourly wage job, living paycheck to paycheck, and writing freelance pieces on the side at a rate of $30 a pop, $100 for the lucky ones.

But what I don’t get is striking for more money. First of all, you aren’t getting paid for striking so that’s kind of like shooting yourself in the foot. Second, speaking from the point of view of a writer, a big reason writers write is the desire to entertain. If you are a stellar waitress (pardon the PIC) but you go on strike because your boss wants half of your tips, who are you punishing? Your boss? No, he’ll just find someone else to do your job. Yourself? A little, but you can still find another job waiting tables somewhere else. Your customers are the ones who will suffer from your absence. The same is true for the audiences of these striking writers. The networks’ execs have already planned to fill the slots with reality shows because they are not scripted by WGA writers. The statement I read (and subsequently lost the link to) made it sound like they have a hundred contingencies so the writers are welcome to sit around and not get paid for as long as they would like.

I am not saying that the writers should settle but from a writer’s point of view, I am not sure that the way they are going about this is necessarily the best way.

http://beshameless.net/archives/2007/11/09/entering-day-5-and-im-writing-for-peanuts/trackback/

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I saw Saw. Opening night a bunch of my buddies and I patronized the local cinema to experience the latest in the Saw franchise and I have to say, “Excuse me, Sir, I’d like a refund.”

The original Saw, which opened Christmas Day, not Halloween like it’s predecessors, was amazing if not completely flawless. There wasn’t a single hole in the plot, not a moment where you said, “Hey wait a minute, didn’t he…,” thus questioning the continuity of the plot… Hmm there’s that word “plot” again. What is that word she keeps using? Merriam Webster defines plot as “the plan or main story (as of a movie or literary work [we'll discuss prioritizing "movie" above "literary work" later]).”

Story? Plan? These things were definitely absent from this, the fourth installment out of a rumored seven in the Saw series (Seven?! Are you cereal?). Of course there was minimal story which is how it qualified as “movie” and not “snuff.” You have the cop from the last movie, played by one of the Mandylor brothers (Costas, I believe - they’re interchangable, right?), and his partner who are looking for the cop from the second movie (Donnie Whalberg) who has been missing for several months. That’s pretty much it. That and the addition of cookie-cutter, by-the-book G-Man, Agent Strahm played by Scott Patterson, who my buddies and I all agreed couldn’t die or we’d cry.

You can’t kill Luke!!!

Sorry, where was I? So, Saw IV pretty much abandoned all concepts of plot and character development for the sake of shock and gore. I plugged in the original, uncut, unrated (but if it were rated it would be NC-17 in all of its uncut glory) DVD and just as I had remembered, it wasn’t like that. There was a plot - a twisted and quite impressive plot - that had gotten spattered with blood. Saw IV was a pool of blood where someone had come along and dumped out a box of magnetic poetry then shuffled the random words around with the toe of his sneaker.

I got a little off subject here. The real point behind all of this ranting and raving is censorship and how we, as consumers and movie-goers, suffer from it. I was inspired by an article in Britian’s Sunday Mail, written by Jeff Giles, regarding Warner Bros. Studios’ decision to make the upcoming Burton/Depp endeavor Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, a family-friendly, pg-13 holiday romp. Basically, this writer is sick to death of capitalist censorship. The writers of Saw IV (who were not, by the way, James Wan and Leigh Whanell, which may have been part of the problem) get to splatter blood and brain matter all over the screen with no plot or direction and Burton is forced to cut out his murder scenes to appease the parents of all the 14-year-old giggly school girls who think Captain Jack Sparrow is hot stuff. We wouldn’t want to lose their box office bucks just because of a little blood and gore.

I get that a lot of money was put into this film; Burton is good at that, plus there are some pretty big names on the cast list, including but not limited to his regular faces Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter as well as Alan Rickman, Sascha Baron Cohen (who drives me batty but other people dig him so I guess whatev) and Anthony Stewart Head who plays only a small role but even so, seeing his name on the cast list made me squeal with delight. No, really, I actually squealed.

Oops, I get that a lot of money was put into the film and they’d like to make some kind of profit on it. But those of us who have been fans of the Burton/Depp partnership all the way back to Ed Wood wouldn’t care about a little blood and gore. I am not saying that without the family element it would be a runaway blockbuster but let’s face it. It probably won’t be anyway. It’s a Stephen Sondheim musical from a-way-back and musicals notoriously don’t favor well in the box office. But it’s Tim Burton and Johnny Depp for chrissakes!!!! They are amazing together!

Anyway, I guess this rant has gotten long enough and I have beaten this horse until it no longer resembles the horse it was to begin with. If anyone else is tired of seeing potentially great movies butchered in the editing room just to make a few more bucks in the box office…well, there isn’t a petition to sign, and I can’t see you throw your hands in the air, or hear you shout but you can take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your disgust.

http://beshameless.net/archives/2007/11/07/no-business-like-the-movie-business/trackback/

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