Let me begin by saying, I am in no way against preserving the environment. I think we do need to take steps to make this world a better place to live, literally. BUT in this moment we are experiencing some economic hardships with more people losing their jobs every day. I just heard from a friend of a friend that his company laid off 30 of the 34 employees that work in his location…he happened to be one of the 4 and not one of the 30 with a giant sigh of relief and guilt. Circuit City is closing every one of their stores, putting some 30 thousand people out of jobs across the country in one fell swoop.

What is the point of this, you ask, besides a laundry list of statistics? The point here is that there are still environmental groups who are freaking out because someone wants to mine for coal or drill for natural gas in the barren wasteland that is the Great Basin Desert. Mining for coal and drilling for gas creates jobs. “Job” is really a commodity that will probably never “run its course” and now, especially, it is in the highest of demand. People are losing their jobs all over the place but these environmental groups don’t want to do anything that might harm the habitat of the Great American Dung Beetle – or make it hard to observe their migration patterns from the shoulder of the highway while sitting comfortably in your Subaru wagon. Forget humans, desert dwelling bugs are far more important.

Now before you get out your trusty brick and tie your hate mail to it… I understand that there are arguments larger than bugs. I understand that everything we do today will affect the Earth in the future but I can’t quit my job that I hate because there are no other jobs to switch to. And there are so many other people in my community (the same community where the illogical, irrational, human-hating tree-huggers reside) who have lost their jobs and have no other options ahead of them.

Things are in the works to help get us out of this but in the meantime, if someone has the money and backing to start a new business, to create new jobs in a time when they are slim, I don’t see any reason anyone should stand in their way. Human beings are just as much a part of the environment as dung beetles and have just as much right to protection as the beetle. And right now, creating jobs seems to be a pretty good way of protecting our fellow humans.

Nowadays, it is all in who you talk to. A couple of weeks ago, we went to WalMart on our weekly quest for groceries and other odd things. While we were there, we approached a CSA and asked where, in the store, would she suggest we look for ice melt. “They don’t send it here. They tell us it doesn’t get that cold here,” says the blue be-smocked lady.

Last night, the weekly quest led us through the outdoor/sporting goods department and there was a palette of …. ice melt. Bags stacked as high as me (which is not tall if you are a person but really tall if you are a pile of ice melt).

Over the summer, my sister called, different store, same chain, and asked if they had a specific Playskool playhouse that came with a slide. Through her attempts to find this specific playhouse, she had acquired its exact title and gave that to the CSA on the phone, who found one in the system then put Sis on hold to “go make sure it really was there.” She came back, said “I can’t put a hold on it but if you come in this afternoon we should still have one. I’ll set it aside and when you come in, ask for Melissa.” We went in, we asked for Melissa, Melissa was no where to be found. Nor was the playhouse. Nor was anyone in the toy department who might know where to find one or how to order one. “Go online,” was all the cashier in the garden department could offer.

I get not having authorization to do things but some CSAs or CSRs or GSAs or whatever their corporate title is simply don’t want to. It really does depend on who you talk to what kind of customer service you are going to get. Phone reps especially. You call a company once, ask if something can be done and “no way, no how, not gonna happen.” You call back the next day, ask the same question of someone else and you get, “Hmmm, I don’t know. Let me find out for you. Do you mind holding?” (Insert crappy hold music here) “Actually, it looks like, based on the fact that you have been a customer with our company for five years, you are entitled to….” Bingo, an affirmative answer to your question just because you talked to Susie today instead of Jim. Watch out for Jim. He might come into work tomorrow and start picking co-workers off with a high-powered sniper rifle.

Once upon a time, the adage was “the customer is always right.” Now, it’s “the customer is right if it doesn’t require me to do any extra work. Otherwise the customer is wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG!”

I guess that’s really it for this installment. I could go on for days offering examples of poor customer service but instead I think I’m going to find me a high-powered sniper rifle and go pick off a few CSRs.

Crimson

Lori Drew, 49, of Missouri, was convicted of 3 misdemeanor charges of various types of computer fraud. Lori Drew, 49, of Missouri, killed her 13-year-old neighbor, Megan Meier.

Sure, she didn’t shoot the girl. She didn’t poison her or stab her or strangle her. She didn’t touch her at all. But Lori Drew, 49, of Missouri, pushed 13-year-old Megan Meier to commit suicide, hanging herself in her own closet.

Early in 2008, Lori Drew, with the help of her 18-year-old assistant and her 13-year-old daughter, created a MySpace profile under the guise of a cologne-ad-esque 16-year-old boy named Josh. “Josh” began flirting with Megan, who Lori Drew knew to be depressed and, as are most girls her age, insecure.

“Josh” carried on the relationship with Megan for four weeks while Lori Drew sat amused in her own home, planning all the while to build the girl up only to tear her down farther than she had been before the whole thing started.

Finally, one day, Megan told “Josh” he was the kind of boy a girl could kill herself over and “Josh” told Megan the world would be better off without her. Megan hanged herself in her closet with her parents downstairs.

Had the fraud and bullying been conducted by Lori Drew’s 13-year-old daughter, Sarah, that would be one thing. That would be kids being cruel to one another without quite comprehending what might happen. Not excusable but somehow less astonishing. Sarah, arguably, could plead naivete, saying she didn’t know that Megan wouldn’t know it was all a joke. Sarah, arguably, could say that she didn’t really think Megan would go through with it. Sarah’s 49-year-old mother can not make feasibly make those claims. Sarah’s 49-year-old mother knew what she was doing and knew what the outcome would be. Sarah’s 49-year-old mother has been convicted of three counts of computer fraud and will receive, at max, 3 years in prison and a $3000 fine – one year and $1000 for each count, maximum. Sarah’s 49-year-old mother deserves at the very least first degree manslaughter, at the very most first degree, premeditated murder.

And what is worse about all of this, in my opinion, is not that this woman did something deplorable which will go completely unpunished. It is that people are blaming Megan’s parents for not monitoring her internet usage. They are blaming MySpace for allowing “Josh” access to 13-year-old Megan’s profile. They are not blaming Lori Drew for being a malicious, heartless, cruel woman with absolutely no moral compass.

For what it is worth, Lori Drew’s home address and phone number can be found by Googling “Lori Drew MySpace.” Fifth hit from the top is the home address and phone number (which has probably been changed by now….) of Lori Drew in O’Fallon, Missouri.

Until next time, I’ll be looking for a horse’s head on my way to Missouri.

Crimson

*For the full story, click here:

I just found out that one of my favorite musicians is not only supporting Barack Obama, he is joining the campaign efforts. Chris, Chris, Chris…. Really?

I guess I get the “lesser of two evils” theory, but here’s the thing – He rides the fence on important issues, he doesn’t have near the experience of many of his …. er, competitors (?).

He signed the revised PATRIOT ACT because, to paraphrase, it wasn’t as good as it could be but as good as it was going to get. “Let me be clear: this compromise is not as good as the Senate version of the bill, nor is it as good as the SAFE Act that I have cosponsored. But, it’s still better than what the House originally proposed. This compromise does modestly improve the PATRIOT Act by strengthening civil liberties protections without sacrificing the tools that law enforcement needs to keep us safe.” Source Maybe I’m wrong but I think when voting on something as crucial as the PATRIOT act, one should be at least 90% satisfied and that doesn’t sound like someone who was even 50% satisfied.

“Obama says the death penalty ‘does little to deter crime” but he supports it for cases in which “the community is justified in expressing the full measure of its outrage.’” Source So, what you are saying here is that the death penalty doesn’t accomplish anything as far as lessening crime but it makes people feel better so let’s keep it around? Not that I am saying I’m against the death penalty. I’m not. I’m not for it either. I haven’t really made up my mind either way. But be damned skippy that I will have a better explanation for my decision when I make it.

Anyway, back to the point here. Americans are really good at doing what celebrities and Hollywood tells us we should do. So, my question is why don’t any celebrities jump on the band wagon to support third-party candidates? Granted they aren’t making tabloid covers or People’s 50 Most Beautiful People lists but if Chris Walla and Hill Harper (or any Liberal celebrity) would join forces with Cynthia McKinney instead of Obama, Americans would start to realize that the Green Party is A) not soley a British thing and B) not made up entirely of tree-huggers and pot smokers (I like to use McKinney as an example because she’s ….well a She and she’s African-American…the truth is there are 16 candidates for President on the ballot in the state of Colorado….other states may have more, others fewer but every state has at least 3).

I guess it just really frustrates me to see the Third-Party candidates, the ones with truly different ideas, the ones without corporate backing and influence, the ones without celebrity backing….have no celebrity backing. If just one of the Third-Party candidates – Green, Libertarian, Constitutionalist, etc. – could get Brangelina to join their campaign efforts, or even publicly support their efforts, it could completely change the face of politics in the U.S.

I am not naive enough to think it’s all the President. Congress and Senate makes all the decisions, based on suggestions made by the President. The President can only make a few unilateral decisions, like declaration of war, for one example. The rest of his “changes” (to quote Obama) have to be put before Congress and Senate for a vote, that’s how democracy works. If a Presidential candidate could really do all they say they are going to do in their campaign speeches, this would be a monarchy at the very least, a dictatorship at the most and voting for President would eventually (sooner rather than later) go by the wayside.

But I’m tired of ranting about this. While our ballot system is arranged so that no one has to worry about other people knowing who they are voting for, I will tell you, when November 4th comes around, I will proudly mark the box next to Cynthia McKinney’s name. And not because she is the Green Party candidate or because she’s not McCain or Obama but because I have seen her voting record and she’s voted about 90% the way I would have in her position (including drawing up impeachment papers against Bush).

Until next time, I’ll be bleeding Green.
Crimson

P.S. Earlier today I heard a McCain campaign commercial on the radio blathering about Obama opposing the “rights provided by the Second Amendment,” or something blah blah blah. I just saw an Obama commercial on the television with him speaking to a group of people about how important it is for Americans to be able to defend themselves….. more proof that campaign commercials are useless but, unfortunately, the only access many Americans have to their candidates.

The dollar sign goes to the left of the number; the cents sign goes to the right. They’re going to park their cars over there. You’re showing your age. If he isn’t coming, I ain’t going.

I think a lot about the little inaccuracies that are commonly acceptable in our society. A few days ago I saw a car with the windows painted a lovely shade of shaving cream to read “for SELL.” Exactly like that; I’m not capitalizing for emphasis. The seller of said car had for in all lowercase letters and sell underneath it, taking up the better majority of the window space, in all capitals. I wanted to stop the car, in the middle of a six lane highway, and hose off the window. Let them figure out why. Then do it again when I come back two days later and it, again, says for sell.

Still mad about the stupid car on the side of the road when I went to bed that night, I started thinking. It’s really not his (or her) fault that he’s an idiot. It’s the fault of our public school system.

Before you start lacing your hate mail with anthrax powder, let me explain. In Kindergarten, we learn to share, clean up our cookie crumbs, write the alphabet, and count to ten. This is the very last time we visit these subjects in our education. In third grade we learn cursive writing, multiplication, and how to memorize the spelling of two and three syllable words long enough to pass the weekly spelling test. This is the very last time we visit these subjects in our education. Even multiplication, which is used in basically every other facet of mathematics from this point on, is never really reinforced. We are expected to memorize 2×2=4 4×4=16 16×16=who the hell cares? Numbers that size call for a calculator.

In fifth grade we learn that the Constitution was signed at Independence Hall in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on September 17, 1787, bleu cheese is a form of mold and, to quote, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.” Assuming, of course, that you attend a school that doesn’t think teaching pre-pubescent kids what makes a boy a boy and what makes a girl a girl will make them want to try a little hands-on experimentation. And, according to Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, this is the very last time we visit these subjects in our education.

My point is that, while some things in our education are beaten into us (although I can think of none at the moment), most things are taught once and never again. It’s no wonder that a rocket scientist from MIT can go on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and look like a complete doofus because they don’t remember automatically that there are 12 states whose names begin with vowels or that there are 4 I’s in Mississippi. Granted he doesn’t really need all 4 I’s in Mississippi to further the space exploration program but it amazes me that such simple things go by without anyone noticing that while they may be taught and may be taught well they are not remembered because they are displaced by other information.

We only use 10% of our brains’ capacity for learning. Imagine what kind of a race humans would be if we even used 20 or 25%.

Until next time, I’m off to fetch up on the latest versions of English syntax and World History…
Crimson

Autumn didn’t want to get into the political ranting. Autumn wanted to let it all go, avoid the trite “politicians are idiots” tirades, but Crimson wants to kick and scream.

While it will be pretty easy to tell by the end of all this, I will say now that I am a registered voter for the Green Party and if I thought it would do any good or could be achievable, I’d tell everyone I was an Anarchist. How cliche’, right? An Anarchist punk.

Anywhoooo

I saw on the “up next” blurb for tonight’s Fox news at 9 broadcast that Sarah Palin is now “officially the first woman, ever, on a Presidential ticket.” I wanted to throw the television. Senator John McCain announced last week (August 29, 2008) that he had selected Ms. Palin as his running mate and it became official tonight when she accepted the nomination at the RNC. Cynthia McKinney accepted the Green Party nomination in June. Pat(ricia) LaMarche ran alongside Green Party candidate David Cobb in 2004. In 1980, three, count ‘em THREE women were on the ballot – LaDonna Harris for the Citizens Party VP, Eileen Shearer for the American Independent VP, and Ellen McCormack for the Right to Life party for President.

What made me so angry, as a Green Party voter and as a citizen who has to search the web and read The Guardian to keep myself informed, is that because those women were all third party candidates, they get swept under the rug. But what is even more infuriating is that Former Vice President Walter Mondale ran against incumbent Ronald Regan in 1984 and Former Vice President Walter Mondale selected for his running mate Geraldine Ferraro. Mondale was the Democratic candidate and Fox news can’t even remember Ferraro’s name in their broadcast.

What started out as a rant about third party candidates being ignored and pushed aside, about the statement that “a vote for a third party candidate is a wasted vote,” has somehow developed into a women’s equality tirade. No matter how you look at it, though, Ms. Sarah Palin is getting entirely more press than she deserves. Probably because no one figured Mondale stood a chance at beating Regan….McCain has in his corner, at the very least, a sect of our society who wouldn’t vote for a “colored person” for all the pickled pig’s feet on Earth (yanno what, everyone else is playing the race card, I can too…..P.S. Cynthia McKinney is also African-American). McCain might actually have a chance in this race. So what Fox news at 9 should have said is “Sarah Palin is the first woman ever on a Presidential ticket who actually has a prayer of getting into office…..” Because you know that’s what they really meant.

Until next time, I’ll be packing. I’d rather take my chances with the IRA in Belfast.
Crimson

I watched a rerun of the X-Files last night and one particular scene got me wondering. I came into the episode late so I am not sure what caused the animosity between the two characters but a woman was at a funeral for her brother and a man wandered in to pay his respects and the woman threw a fit. It makes me wonder why people can’t allow other people, who aren’t hurting anyone else, to just exist.

Why are we so worried about what other people do with their own lives? Why can’t we just exist inside our own lives and let others exist in their’s and be happy with that? I don’t mean we should not pay attention to the world around us. I am not suggesting we should confine ourselves to bubbles and stick our heads in the proverbial sand. I am saying that we need to not be so concerned with the personal lives of people who are not part of our personal lives. It is one thing to be concerned about a friend or relative but it is another to trouble ourselves with the behaviors of people who are no more than our acquaintances. Or, more importantly, people who aren’t even that much.

It’s not just about being angry that someone we (we being me or you or Joe Smith) don’t like has come to a funeral to pay respects to someone we (we being Joe Smith and the person he doesn’t like) both love. It’s about Pro-life fanatics and Truth.com. It’s about the National Enquirer and TMZ and all of the other tabloid magazines at the newsstand and on television inundating us with the intoxicated antics of Paris and Lindsey and Britney or with Love and Mischa’s cellulite. It’s about The Real World and Big Brother.

Interfering with lives that aren’t ours to interfere with is not a new concept; people have been doing it for centuries. But just because people have been doing it for centuries doesn’t mean we should still be doing it. We are enlightened, industrialized, rational, logical human beings. We are also the only members of the animal kingdom who indulge in the pain and suffering of our fellow creatures. Other animals inflict pain on each other in their fight for domination of the pride or pack or murder but they do it to survive. Humans are possibly the most animalistic of animals (by colloquial definition of the word “animal”) because we not only inflict pain on each other for our own enjoyment but we enjoy watching other people inflict pain upon each other (or in the case of Parindsney, upon themselves). We relish it, thrive on it, live for it.

This is a short rant today because, like I said, this has been going on for as long as man has been walking erect. Complaining about it isn’t going to make it change. The best I can do is try to lead by example and change the channel when the Truth.com commercials come on because they are no better in their approach than the tobacco corporations they are speaking out against. I will live my life in my way and not allow the way I choose to live to interfere with the way others around me have chosen to live. I will make a concentrated effort to not give a flying fig about which gutter Parindsney found herself floundering in this morning or about what the cast of the Real World: the Moon is going to do for their collective job or which one of them is sleeping with which other one this week. And hopefully, through my example (or these words) I will be able to inspire at least one other person to exist solely within his own life as well.

Until next time, I will be minding my own business -
Crimson

So. Two years. I haven’t even been around for a full one of them but it has proven to be a terrific outlet for yelling and screaming about the things in the world that frustrate me. I am not too sure what to say in this moment. I took this moment of celebration to look back over ten months of posts and realized that I am very dry and sarcastic, which is probably why people have asked why I don’t write satire. So I’m finding it hard to say anything straight and happy even though I’m thrilled to have been invited to be part of and stay a part of beshameless.

Since straight and cheerful is apparently not my style, I’ll just say way to go, fellow shameless writers, on two super years, here’s to two more (and two more after that and two more after that….). Thanks for letting me be a part of it, and thanks to any readers I have gained in my few short months on the site. And to Autumn….where’s my treat? Better yet, what’s my treat? Maybe a dark-headed, hazel-eyed Italian of average height from the OC?

If writing is my life, music is the breaths I must keep to sustain life. I love music, have spent my entire life with music and can’t understand how others don’t feel the same way I do. William Congreve’s full quote, which is often misquoted and almost always truncated, is, “Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.” Those are words by which I live my life.

In the first week of live shows on Fox’s 3000 pound gorilla known as American Idol, the contestants, ranging in age from 15 to 30-ish, sang selections from the 60′s. Unfortunately, it does not surprise me that three of the four eliminated from the competition in this the first round of audience participation were under the age of 20. Kids today…Whoa! Who said that!?….Kids today know very little about music history. I’m not talking Brahams and Bach music history. I’m talking MoTown and Detroit Rock City (yes, I realize, they are the same place but with two totally different meanings in terms of music) music history.

At least two of the contestants openly admitted that they had never before heard the song they had chosen to perform (which, I guess, was balanced out by Simon admitting to never having heard Baby, Please Don’t Go by Muddy Waters *shrug*).

Today at work, my boss regaled me with an anecdote about her sons (aged 17 and 20) admiring the quality of “this new song,” a song that had been released when their parents were in high school. She didn’t tell me what the song was and I didn’t ask; the point of the story is that they didn’t even know it wasn’t a new song. She told me one other time about helping the younger of the two load songs onto his iPod. He was astounded that she knew most of the songs he was picking out and even more so when she told him she grew up with those songs. Again, she didn’t list titles and I didn’t ask.

Some of my earliest memories include sitting on the floor in front of my parents’ stereo, listening to a golden oldies station on AM radio. I’m not exactly a spring chicken; music from my childhood has now found its way to the oldies station line up; but I am young enough to have been born after AM radio, 8-tracks and, to some extent, vinyl. But I still know what all of those are and understand there are situations where they are better than CDs and MP3s. Granted there was no way a Sony Walkman could give you 1000 tracks at time or fit comfortably in your hip pocket but when they came out, only the coolest kids had one.

I think the part of it that saddens me the most is that the current high school and college generation, the group who will, before long, be running this country, know nothing of the music that has shaped it. No, the survival of our nation as a whole is not hinged on knowing that without slave hymns we would have never gotten jazz and without jazz there would never have been rock and roll or r&b and without r&b they would have to find someone other than Fiddy to teach them about ghetto violence and illiteracy, but it is a huge part of our history. And a lot of people, I won’t even condescend to say young people but people in general, don’t know about the progression towards rock and roll. They might know Weezer’s Buddy Holly but have never heard about Buddy Holly’s Peggy Sue.

I don’t expect anyone to have as much trivial knowledge about any one subject in their head as I have in my own but the lack of general knowledge of music and the music history that has shaped our nation’s history and, subsequently, who we are today truly breaks my heart. I guess I have said all there is to say on the subject. Until next time, I’ll be listening to the classics, both new and old. I hope you’ll join me in a sing along.

Crimson

So, the title is a little windy…sue me or get over it.

The United States is a nation of freedoms and democracy where the people are not only free but encouraged to govern themselves. A government �of the people, by the people, for the people,� isn�t that what Lincoln called it in his Gettysburg address? So why then are we not allowed to make our own decisions? Why are city councils deciding we, as consenting adults, are no longer allowed to kill ourselves with our cancer sticks while we feed our alcohol addictions? Why are state Senators telling women they cannot make decisions regarding our own bodies?

This of the people, by the people thing really gets me stirred up. I realize that we can�t put everything to a vote or we�d never do anything in this country but hold elections. But issues that directly affect us, affect our lives, affect our freedoms; issues such as where and when we can smoke, if and how we can abort a pregnancy; should, without question, be put to a public vote. Not only be put to a public vote but the vote should be publicized and made known to everyone of legal voting age. For at least a week, if not longer, before the vote is held it should be plastered all over the local news stations, the newspapers, fliers stapled to telephone poles� That way if you don�t vote, you have no reason to complain about the results and no excuse for not voting.

In this country, people are made to find information on their own. Which is all fine and dandy if you know where to look…or want to take the time to look. But the problem is people either don�t know where to look, don�t want to look, or don�t know they have to look. Governments know this and hide announcements of public issue voting on page 14D where no one bothers to look. That way, they have met the obligation to inform the public but no one ever set a standard of how the public should be informed.

What brought me to this rant? One more U.S. city has enforced a smoking ban as of 10:00am local time on January 11. Louisville, KY has joined the list of smoke free cities. Okay, I am a smoker living in a smoke free city but that�s not the reason it ticks me off. Well, not the whole reason, anyway. When I was in college, the city I was living in at the time implemented a ban. Within a few short months one cocktail waitress (er� �server�) was raped and murdered and another severely beaten on their cigarette breaks at work because they were no longer allowed to smoke inside the bars where they worked. In a city of roughly 100,000 people. Some barkeeps in the area started sending bouncers outside anytime their waitresses left to smoke. Others simply refused to adhere to the ban, stating that they were not putting the welfare of staff and patrons at risk over a ridiculous law they had nothing to do with in the first place.

Ban supporters will say that smokers can quit or smoke in their cars if they are concerned about their safety. But in some cities, smoking in their cars is not even an option. In some cities, government officials are considering (and in others, they already have) widening the jurisdiction of the ban to include public sidewalks, parking lots and�yes, boys and girls, private properties such as cars.

If someone tries to tell me that I cannot sit in my car with my windows rolled up and hotbox myself into an early grave, they are going to be met with a severely unpleasant response. No one asked me if I wanted cigarettes and smoking to be outlawed and if they had they would have heard a loud and resounding, �Hell no!�

To bring the whole rant full circle, how can we conscientiously send military troops to foreign countries to implement democracy, a government where the citizens are free to make their own choices, when our choices and liberties are stripped from us right and left?

Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday

Well, it�s a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday
Whatever you do, watch what you say
If you�re easily offended well that�s okay
It�s a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday

We catch up with our three cowboys one cold December night huddled around the camp fire.
How �bout we sing some holiday songs?
Yeah, hey George, you wanna lead us off?
Yeah, I got one.
Oh Chri- BLEEP -mas tree oh Chri-BLEEP-mas tree how lovely are thou branched�
Why am I getting bleeped again?
Haven�t you heard guys?
You can�t say Chri-BLEEP-mas you gotta say Holiday
I can�t say Chri-BLEEP-mas?
No you might offend somebody.
Who is offended by Chri-BLEEP-mas?
You know you might offend the BLEEP and the BLEEP and the atheists.
What?

Time to politically correct.
I�ll lead this off.
On the first day of Chri-BLEEP-mas my true love said to me�

Jimmy, are you listening?
What?
You can�t say Chri-BLEEP-mas.
Why not? You can say BLEEP on the last record.
Why can�t I say Chri-BLEEP-mas?
I didn�t make the rules.
Hey listen guys, it�s not that difficult, all you gotta do is change Chri-BLEEP-mas to Holiday.
You know, instead of saying white Chri-BLEEP-mas, you say I�m dreaming of a whi-BLEEP Holiday.
Why did I get blipped?
You�ve got to say Caucasian.
So I have to sing, I�m dreaming of a Caucasian holiday?
Sure, that won�t offend anybody.

Well, it�s a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday,
Whatever you do watch what you say
If you�re easily offended well that�s okay
Why do these people have to feel that way?
How come they get offended so easily?
It�s a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday
I�m just trying to come up with a song here.

Let�s sing one together, everybody ready?
George?
Ready.
Bill your ready?
I�m ready.
Jimmy? Jimmy? Jimmy?

Okay!
We three kings of BLEEEEP are bearing gifts we�ve traveled real far�.
Sorry boys, you have to say Asia now.
What?
Oh, come on just try.
We three kings of Asia are�.
That sounds like horse BLEEP
Oh lord, okay.
How �bout Little Drummer boy?
Nope, that offends short people.
And you can�t say drummer �cause that will offend real musicians.

How �bout little �hahaha- town of meddle hell.
What�s this with all the short jokes?
Hey how �bout we do Silent Night?
No, it�ll offend people who�s hard to hear and afraid of the dark.
What did he say about a shark?
SHARK? This happens every year.

Well, it�s a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday,
Whatever you do watch what you say,
If you�re easily offended well that�s okay,
It�s a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday.
Hohoho!
No.
I can�t say ho?
No you might offend some women.
So basically we can�t sing anything?
I think that a bunch of bull BLEEP.
Softer George it�s more effective.
(in a quieter voice)I think that a bunch of bull BLEEP.
You now what? I don�t care who we offend,
I�m gonna sing Chri-BLEEP-mas carols if I wanna sing Chri-BLEEP-mas carols.
Louder man it�s more effective.
I don�t care who we offend, I�m gonna sing Chri-BLEEP-mas carols if I wanna sing Chri-BLEEP-mas carols.
Me too.
We wish you a merry Chri-BLEEP-mas, we wish you a merry Chri-BLEEP-mas, we wish you a merry Chri-BLEEP-mas, and a happy ne-BLEEP year.
We can�t say new; it�ll offend the old folks.
And you never wanna offend them.

It’s funny…on the surface. But dig a little deeper and you will find that the world (no, really, it’s the whole world not just our little corner of it, as can be seen here) has gone completely bananas over the winter holiday. What brought this up, you ask? Mi madre (somebody better hit the SAP button and fast!) was listening to the radio this morning and the DJ’s were discussing the local Mall Santa and his overalls and “ha, ha, ha”….I’m sorry, but what on Gaia’s green Earth is offensive about a red velvet suit with fur…nevermind I just answered my own question.

I guess our local Santa has gone overboard in forgoing his red suit for a pair of overalls but Santas all across the globe are being advised that “ho, ho, ho” might, and I quote, frighten children and offend women. Santa offends women but they keep letting Fiddy make records?

Here’s the thing, boys and girls, the point of Christmas, or “the Holidays,” if you prefer, is to be with loved ones, give gifts (“gifts” here does not necessarily mean toys and games and baubles and things, it also means care and comfort and time and warmth), and celebrate life. Whether you believe it to be the birth of a savior or the rebirth of the Earth, it is still a celebration of life and of love. The point is NOT to bitch and complain that the corporate office of Home Depot has banned any “religious” music from their stores at holiday time or that WalMart DOES play religious music. The point is NOT to be offended by something Santa Clauses said before there were garden hoes much less pimps and hos.

I just want to go back to when things were merry. Dinner with my whole family, carols around the piano (so what if I forced everyone to play this game with me?! It still happened), spots before my eyes (Grandma had an old 60′s model camera with real flashbulbs so I was 10 before I figured out spots were not a normal part of everyone’s Christmas), homemade cookies and candies and cocoa, snow (somewhere in all of this PC-ness, we got rid of the snow too). I hate snow but it really adds a little something extra to Christmas Eve. I miss velvet dresses and patent leather shoes and brightly colored boxes with bows and the half-hour long Chuck Jones animated Grinch and Cindy Lou Who. And I miss seeing the fat Santa (Yes, I said FAT Santa, DEAL WITH IT) at the Mall.

And she muttered as she wandered off sadly, “Happy Non-religious Day off from work to all, and to all a good night.”
Crimson

And to be totally honest, I don’t even get peanuts. I am on the fence about the Writers’ Guild of America strike that is, as I type these words, entering Day 5.

On the one hand, “This is not about millionaire screenwriters,” [Tim] Robbins said. “This is about middle-class writers trying to support a family and make mortgage payments” (from KNBC.com, Day 4: WGA Picket Lines Draw More Celebrities).

Okay, THAT I get. Probably 80-90% of those of us holding a BA in English and/or some form of writing from any state college or university across this great nation of ours is working at an hourly wage job, living paycheck to paycheck, and writing freelance pieces on the side at a rate of $30 a pop, $100 for the lucky ones.

But what I don’t get is striking for more money. First of all, you aren’t getting paid for striking so that’s kind of like shooting yourself in the foot. Second, speaking from the point of view of a writer, a big reason writers write is the desire to entertain. If you are a stellar waitress (pardon the PIC) but you go on strike because your boss wants half of your tips, who are you punishing? Your boss? No, he’ll just find someone else to do your job. Yourself? A little, but you can still find another job waiting tables somewhere else. Your customers are the ones who will suffer from your absence. The same is true for the audiences of these striking writers. The networks’ execs have already planned to fill the slots with reality shows because they are not scripted by WGA writers. The statement I read (and subsequently lost the link to) made it sound like they have a hundred contingencies so the writers are welcome to sit around and not get paid for as long as they would like.

I am not saying that the writers should settle but from a writer’s point of view, I am not sure that the way they are going about this is necessarily the best way.

I saw Saw. Opening night a bunch of my buddies and I patronized the local cinema to experience the latest in the Saw franchise and I have to say, “Excuse me, Sir, I’d like a refund.”

The original Saw, which opened Christmas Day, not Halloween like it’s predecessors, was amazing if not completely flawless. There wasn’t a single hole in the plot, not a moment where you said, “Hey wait a minute, didn’t he…,” thus questioning the continuity of the plot… Hmm there’s that word “plot” again. What is that word she keeps using? Merriam Webster defines plot as “the plan or main story (as of a movie or literary work [we'll discuss prioritizing "movie" above "literary work" later]).”

Story? Plan? These things were definitely absent from this, the fourth installment out of a rumored seven in the Saw series (Seven?! Are you cereal?). Of course there was minimal story which is how it qualified as “movie” and not “snuff.” You have the cop from the last movie, played by one of the Mandylor brothers (Costas, I believe – they’re interchangable, right?), and his partner who are looking for the cop from the second movie (Donnie Whalberg) who has been missing for several months. That’s pretty much it. That and the addition of cookie-cutter, by-the-book G-Man, Agent Strahm played by Scott Patterson, who my buddies and I all agreed couldn’t die or we’d cry.

You can’t kill Luke!!!

Sorry, where was I? So, Saw IV pretty much abandoned all concepts of plot and character development for the sake of shock and gore. I plugged in the original, uncut, unrated (but if it were rated it would be NC-17 in all of its uncut glory) DVD and just as I had remembered, it wasn’t like that. There was a plot – a twisted and quite impressive plot – that had gotten spattered with blood. Saw IV was a pool of blood where someone had come along and dumped out a box of magnetic poetry then shuffled the random words around with the toe of his sneaker.

I got a little off subject here. The real point behind all of this ranting and raving is censorship and how we, as consumers and movie-goers, suffer from it. I was inspired by an article in Britian’s Sunday Mail, written by Jeff Giles, regarding Warner Bros. Studios’ decision to make the upcoming Burton/Depp endeavor Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, a family-friendly, pg-13 holiday romp. Basically, this writer is sick to death of capitalist censorship. The writers of Saw IV (who were not, by the way, James Wan and Leigh Whanell, which may have been part of the problem) get to splatter blood and brain matter all over the screen with no plot or direction and Burton is forced to cut out his murder scenes to appease the parents of all the 14-year-old giggly school girls who think Captain Jack Sparrow is hot stuff. We wouldn’t want to lose their box office bucks just because of a little blood and gore.

I get that a lot of money was put into this film; Burton is good at that, plus there are some pretty big names on the cast list, including but not limited to his regular faces Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter as well as Alan Rickman, Sascha Baron Cohen (who drives me batty but other people dig him so I guess whatev) and Anthony Stewart Head who plays only a small role but even so, seeing his name on the cast list made me squeal with delight. No, really, I actually squealed.

Oops, I get that a lot of money was put into the film and they’d like to make some kind of profit on it. But those of us who have been fans of the Burton/Depp partnership all the way back to Ed Wood wouldn’t care about a little blood and gore. I am not saying that without the family element it would be a runaway blockbuster but let’s face it. It probably won’t be anyway. It’s a Stephen Sondheim musical from a-way-back and musicals notoriously don’t favor well in the box office. But it’s Tim Burton and Johnny Depp for chrissakes!!!! They are amazing together!

Anyway, I guess this rant has gotten long enough and I have beaten this horse until it no longer resembles the horse it was to begin with. If anyone else is tired of seeing potentially great movies butchered in the editing room just to make a few more bucks in the box office…well, there isn’t a petition to sign, and I can’t see you throw your hands in the air, or hear you shout but you can take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your disgust.

Allow me to begin with a few words about myself. Crimson is my name, writing is my game. I am an audiophile and bibliophile, all about the learning. I got myself sucked into this nifty site through a years long friendship with Autumn. That said, the story that she requested I bring to you:

Watch this video!!! Now, read this:

My first thought when this video started, with the anchorman’s “Tonight we have a warning about a teen phenomenon…,” was to hurl my computer through a plate glass window. Then, I realized that it wasn’t poor Chloe’s fault that seemingly intelligent people refuse the simple process of social education. So I set her back down and continued listening.

As I mentioned before, I am an audiophile. Music is one of the most powerful forms of communication that we have and to hear it being acosted in such a way seriously pains me. Here’s a little crash course in what these people don’t get.

First of all, a simple math problem for you to chew on. Hormones + School pressures + Peer pressure = teen angst. Raging hormones cause sexual excitement at all the wrong times. They cause disfiguring and mutiliating acne (just ask any 16-year-old with a bad case of it). They cause distracting interests in the opposite (or same, if you prefer) sex. School is all about competition. Be the best in your chosen extra cirricular endeavor, be that sports or theater or knowledge bowl. Get good grades so that you can get into a good college and then get a good job (that crock of crap is another rant for another day). Teenagers are horribly cruel animals. They will destroy each other at the drop of a hat, even members of their own pack (or flock or murder…did she just say “teens” and “murder” in the same breath?!).

Trevor Kelley and Leslie Simon wrote a book (which you can see the reporter holding in his hot little hand) called Everybody Hurts: An Essential Guide to Emo Culture. Trevor Kelley and Leslie Simon work for AP (Alternative Press) Magazine and were, just last week, on the Fuse network’s Steven’s Untitled Rock Show, talking about and promoting the book. They address many of these issues from the standpoint of journalists in the mix. They spend day after day after endless day with these emo bands, you know, the ones stirring up all the trouble. If anyone has any authority to report on the subject, it would be Trevor and Leslie, not some stuffed-shirt local news reporter from Bumsville, Utah.

Basically, here’s the scoop. Not all “cutters” are emo, not all emo kids cut. I went to high school with some of the poppiest, preppiest Barbie dolls I’ve ever met and they cut. They cut because it was the “in” thing in the 90′s. Oh wait, the in thing in the, what decade was that? The 1990′s. So, what you are saying, Crimson, is that this isn’t a new thing?

Moving on, not all emo kids wear black. Not all kids who wear black are emo (some of them are called Goths, Wizkid, and some of them listen to heavy metal and express their emotions by hitting things smaller than themselves). Not everything starts with the Internet, Al Gore, and emo definitely is one thing that didn’t. One of the first bands I ever heard the tag emo applied to (in 2002) was Weezer. Weezer is by no means dark or new, but they are definitely pre-Internet craze. The blue album came out in 1994…there’s that 90′s business again.

As for emo guys wearing girls’ pants and make up…Kiss was doing the make-up thing long before these kids were glimmers in their horny adolescent parents’ eyes. And, seriously, take a good long look at Nick Zinner or Tyson Ritter. Do you honestly think a guy who is 5’10 and has a 25 inch waist can find jeans anywhere but the junior girls’ department? As for “gender bending,” did anyone else notice that all of the so-called gender benders in that shot were boy-types? It seems that even when attacking the emotional issues of today’s teens and twenty-somethings, girl-on-girl is still cool.

I think my favorite part of the whole story was the blonde mother (end sarcasm). First, she calls her kid on his/her cell phone and asks, “What’s emo?” Then, after the kid explains it to her in his own words (which were obviously the blanket description of those outside the emo culture), she has to clarify, “But that’s not you, right?”

Clearly this hysteria, like most bouts of it, is being fueled by a lack of education as well as a lack of any desire to have an education. The short and curly of the whole thing is that emo culture, or music, fashion, whatever you want to call it, has made it okay for kids to have emotions. It is finally okay to be Ally Sheedy when all around you are expecting Molly Ringwald (would someone out there please help to clue in those who missed the Breakfast Club and therefore that painfully obvious pop-culture reference)

The problem is that humans have this uncontrollable need to blame someone or something for all of the bad in their cozy little suburban worlds. Do you all remember about ten years ago when Blink 182 was blamed for some kid’s suicide because the kid was playing Adam’s Song when he died? Today it’s emo music (in an aside, I’d like to find the clueless bastard who put together the AFI montage, as well as whoever gave the idiot reporter the lyrics to I Will Follow You into the Dark, and stab him or her in the head with a pencil, is that emo enough for you???), yesterday it was gangsta’ rap, before that heavy metal and video games. In the 40′s it was swing music and swing dancing. Bet you didn’t know that Count Bassie and the FREAKING jitterbug were responsible for pre-marital sex, the Great Depression, heroin…Hitler….Hiroshima…the atomic bomb….should I continue, or do you get the point?

The hell of it all is that the media understands this human need to place blame so they latch on to something hip (something that word is not) and exacerbate that need with expose’s and urgent social warnings on the local news at 9. Is it any wonder that I turned my back on journalism long ago?